A Work in Progress

Thursday, June 25, 2015

not the right balance

So, what happens if L-theanine might be stimulating you instead of calming you down? I really appreciate having mostly enough energy and motivation to get things done during the day, but it comes with feeling restless and irritated. And yet, it's so... nice to just be able to do things, almost like being normal sometimes, and in some aspects even better than my 'normal' used to be, as far as I can remember. I just can't really seem to enjoy any of it, and being irritated is certainly not helping.

Wednesday I was mostly around the house. Readjusted ties on the cat fence. I had to smoke some chicken thighs for dinner, and did manage a successful smoke fuse with the wood charcoal this time. I also tried to tweak a cornbread recipe and did so successfully, something that hasn't always been guaranteed in the past. In between I worked on the house model and the treadmill tray a little, sorted beads, ordered supplies for the silver acid test, and worked out.

God, that fucking cat fence. I keep tweaking it, but the crows are using it as a trampoline. At least the cats have lost interest in coming into the yard. In fact, they seem to be losing a lot of interest in the fence itself now, thus defeating the purpose of the fence.

Sifted some more dirt in the raised beds. I've been unwilling to go out in the hot sun and I don't get up early enough to avoid it in the morning, so I can't make progress on this as fast as I was hoping. I wanted them to be filled by now. The plants continue to struggle along in the heat. It was a stupid idea to keep getting them this year, I realize. Now I don't know how many are going to make it. I'm trying to be more generous with the watering, but it's a ugly situation.

Finished the treadmill tray, It looks like shit for something I paid a hundred bucks to make in Ponoko. And I had to reshape the legs because apparently the treadmill frame is not as symmetrical as I thought it was. It's also not as sturdy or as stable as I hoped. What a waste. But I can't bear to toss it, it was so expensive. So now I have to use it.

Started working on the model of the house again to lay out the front yard plans. I'm really starting to resent this, but I'm still hoping that if I get it done soon Nate will be willing to work on it in the fall. I can't do scale models for shit, apparently. It's really coming out terrible.

Wednesday, June 24, 2015


Today I think I actually laughed at something stupid. It felt like there might be some emotion behind it.

I am taking Selank every day now. It hurts my nose something fierce because it's straight out of the fridge when I take it, but I guess the brain freeze is worth it if it keeps me out of the depression hole.

Sunday I had to see my dad. I was just not up to doing more than phoning it in. Nate got stuck trying to make conversation during some long, awkward pauses in which my brain checked out because my resentment was at full boil. And I said no to coming up again in a week to visit my mom's grave. It's not like I'm going to forget her anytime soon--she's why I'm in therapy, after all. But I'm not going to play along with this game to deify her in order to make my dad feel better about himself by extension. Enabling is what's gotten him this far in life with no idea that everyone knows he's full of shit. I want to contribute to his inflated ego as little as possible. At least I got to talk to the sib; that's the bright spot of going up there.

So that was a downer. On top of it my dad gave me my mom's bead and craft supply stash. Yeah, great. After I had just done a massive purge of my craft room, too. I probably should have put it all straight in the donate pile, but I didn't. I spent Monday picking through it. About 40% of it is unusable. I have a large bag of "silver" beads that will need to be acid tested in case they're worth something. I might make a second pass and put more into the donate pile.

Today I worked on the damn fence, ordered paper checks and temporary checks (why the fuck do I still need paper checks, what is wrong with this world?) and went to therapy. Had a mood dip afterwards, and was too tired and confused to read from a recipe that Nate gave me last-minute for dinner. Tired now. Hopefully sleep will happen.

Sunday, June 21, 2015


I think I ended up doing a lot of nothing Wednesday and Thursday. Thursday I did a significant workout and started incorporating weight lifting back into my routine, which as predicted led to me being more exhausted than usual. For some reason I do really badly with upper body exercise. That's what really triggers my fatigue.

Thursday was also a mini run-in with Paypal when they decided to default to my former bank account as my payment source for a large sum of money. I can't take that bank off my account because something far back in my records is still stuck on "pending" for that account and they won't let me take the account off until that gets closed. And they keep defaulting to it every time I try to pay for anything, and I wasn't lucid enough that one time to 1. check which bank was my payment source and 2. hunt around for the nearly-hidden way to change it on the direct payment form. So I frantically tried to hook up my current bank account to my old bank account, except that apparently takes two full business days to do, and it didn't happen before Paypal tapped my bank. I'm very lucky my bank didn't give a shit other than to reject the payment, but this is why I hate Paypal enough to never use them unless I have to. Supposedly customer service at Paypal is nicer and more competent than they have been in the past, and I might have a shot at finding and clearing that pending status, wherever it is, so I can stop having this problem.

At some point I bothered to clean up the kitchen, but it's largely a blur. I sifted a little more dirt on Friday, in the evening, after going shopping for a few foodstuffs and for Dad's gift. We had to go shopping for more food on Saturday evening, and I stupidly still haven't managed to get everything I wanted to buy because I forgot I was making a list earlier. In a bright spot, Omari came by to hang out on Saturday afternoon just as Nate got back home.

I've started to enjoy music again, at least. Started to. I've started taking Selank every other day and Theanine every day. I think it's helping? Or maybe just having a week to myself was helping. I can't tell. I still sort of default to being irritated and I can only mostly laugh at stuff in a hollow sort of way. Supposedly the feeling that comes with it comes back very gradually.

Wednesday, June 17, 2015

What's the point?

I can't remember what I did Saturday.

I can't remember what I did Sunday.

I can't remember what I did Monday.

Yesterday I finally got up the nerve to call a therapist, who sctually saw me later that afternoon because her schedule happened to have an opening. I felt almost normal for once, because I think I felt a glimmer of hope. But today I'm crashing. I guess some part of me is scared of having to remember things again. I thought I had this shit under control, but if it keeps seeping out into my life and hitting me when I'm down, then it's not, not really.

At least crying means I'm feeling things again.

In other news, I've seen conflicting information about what to make of fig trees with FMV. My Smyrna fig is showing mottling and necrosis and I was wondering if I should get rid of it, but it sounds like the worst symptoms may be prompted by stress (like our drought) and as it gets older and more settled it won't be nearly so affected. So I guess we'll have to see? The thing is my Black Mission fig doesn't have symptoms and I'm not sure if that means it doesn't have it, and could end up looking bad in subsequent years if it does get infected.

I forgot I was writing an entry.

Saturday, June 13, 2015

Weather, hot and cold.

Well, apparently I'm a lightweight on the inositol too. I worked up to the dose used in studies on depression and it's made me a little bit more irritable and tired and given me terrible gastrointestinal issues. Seems to be raising my core temperature too, for good or bad. It did seem to still have positive effects at lower doses, so I'll be rolling back to that.

I can't remember much of Tuesday. I think I must have done some more dirt sifting, as I got one raised bed half filled to the desired level before Nate warned me off filling the rest of it until he could install the post reinforcements for it. This may also have been when I got gored on the arm by the extra wire mesh hanging beyond the sieve frame. Eventually I got fed up with that and trimmed the edges down. Not sure why I didn't do that sooner. I also attached rope across the old bungee loops to make it easier to maneuver into position when dumping the debris out.

Wednesday I actually had a proper workout in lieu of spending a day sifting. My back was giving me trouble anyhow. It rained (after the weather report claimed there would be no rain) and I had to pack everything in and empty the wheelbarrow. At least the sky saved me a day of watering. I finished up Disney's 'Atlantis' and dear god, what an awkward era that was for Disney. That and 'Treasure Planet' had decent enough stories but the character art was painfully bad at times.

Thursday was obnoxiously warm and all the plants started drying right up again. I have so many plants with leaf scorch, I just want to punch something. I mostly stayed in, worked a bit on assembling my Ponoko pieces, which came in the mail earlier in the week. We went out to Cafe Baklava for dinner, and my stomach was not happy about this, but it was nice to dine outside on a warm evening.

Friday I slept in. Nate was WFH so he could be around for a phlebotamist housecall (for insurance, but did you even know such a thing existed?) and then a visit to his GP. It was already hot out when I got up so I didn't get into the yard until after 3PM and only did two hours of digging and sifting. Made some bread dough and glued some more Ponoko pieces in the meantime. Went shopping in the early evening and stopped by Tamarind for dinner. I wasn't planning on eating out again but neither of us could get our shit together for making dinner. On our way out we saw our neighbor talking to police--apparently someone smashed his truck window. I hope no one stole anything from him. God, what a shitty thing to do. Our cross street has a history of burgularies but usually it doesn't migrate over, for whatever odd reason. I'm a bit perturbed that this happened right in front of our house and we heard nothing even though we were home most of the day. I guess we should count ourselves lucky that our car fits in our garage.

Tuesday, June 9, 2015

Stuff, things

Dinner Saturday went well overall. The roti was a little gummy, but I'm getting better at making it. We used paper plates because we thought we wouldn't have enough plates for all the guests coming. As it turned out, the headcount ended up being what I'd originally planned for, which meant we had way too much food. So much for RSVPs.

Sunday we tackled the dirty dishes from prep. I revised the soil sieve after struggling with it for a bit. Now it sits on the rim of the raised bed instead of being suspended by bungee cord in it. It means I can't shake it as easily, but it does make dumping the rocks easier to do. I could really go for a proper fame and springs on this thing, but I can't be fucked to put too much more effort into this if it's only ever going to be used for the grow beds. Of course, it does have to last long enough for all of them...

Monday I mostly just sifted dirt, with a brief break in the hottest part of the day to sign up for the Nerdfighter board. I got stuck filling out my profile for that site and writing an introductory post. What do I even say about myself anymore? I don't really know who I am. Everything I used to identify with, everything I was, is all in the past now. I exist, but I don't really have that continuity with that self that I used to perform. Who am I?

I really should find and use my dust mask outside when I sift. The handkerchief on my face really isn't enough.

Saturday, June 6, 2015

Brain issues

This was supposed to be a post about how overall I was feeling better this week, but I'm irritated this morning because I'm having issues with dropping things and I spent a whole bunch of time planning for a dinner gathering tonight only to have it pointed out to me just now that I got the headcount wrong. I think we will have enough food, but it is entirely by chance and circumstance that we had to buy more than we expected to in the first place. I guess that's good, but I also hate being reminded that I am incapable of these brain things anymore.

At this point I can't remember anything of what happened Tuesday. Wednesday I had a dentist appointment, which was relatively quick, just a patch on a tooth with exposed dentin. Never had them use the epoxy stuff on me before; it feels funny in my mouth. I only worked out for half the usual time, because I thought Nate was coming home early so we could go out for dinner and see a movie. But when he came home and said we didn't have to get ready yet I failed to double-check the amount of time he was leaving us for dinner before the movie started. Turns out, he left us forty-five minutes to eat at a sit-down restaurant. It was obviously not enough. Every movie time that started later would have put us past his bedtime, so we ended up not seeing a movie at all. I'm really starting to resent having to double-check plans when I obviously can't plan for shit myself. Still trying to figure out which nootropics to try...

Thursday I made a point to construct a soil sieve so I can start sifting the construction waste out of the soil that will fill the grow boxes. It's made out of planks of leftover MDF but I'm hoping we don't need it around forever. I suspended it in the inside of one of the grow boxes with bungee cord and bamboo poles. It's not the sturdiest thing but hopefully it will do. One problem: I didn't really solve how to empty it when it gets full of debris, or where I'm putting all of it. Rusty nails get driven into the soil beneath the Meyer lemon; rocks get reserved for later projects. But the plastic and glass shit? I dunno.

Meanwhile my blueberry bushes are getting bad leaf scorch. I guess I'm not watering them enough.

Friday I tried to finish up the cat fence, but again I was having problems planning and coordinating myself. Most of the brackets are in, but not all of them. Can't find the zip ties right now. After that I still need to readjust the netting, put a few more staples in, and then fuse the loose ends. Worked out but really didn't want to. I've noticed since taking the selenium starting Wednesday that while my mood has improved, I've gotten more tired overall. Same deal as when I was on Cymbalta--it improves only some things, doesn't do shit for the brain fog, makes energy levels worse.

Good God, why doesn't my spellcheck work in this window? Damn it, I don't care enough to comb through this for more typos.